The Importance of Embracing Solitude

After ending a 4 year relationship and losing my business in 2021 my soul required that I take this time to heal.

I have spent this time (and continue to) without a partner, saying no to most all outings, and spending time away from friends. In moments it’s been hard, challenging, and confronting, but it’s also been one of the most powerful, healing and illuminating times of my life.

I have cultivated such an immense amount of strength, clarity and trust in myself that I can’t help but be in awe of the power that solitude holds. There is so much healing and growth we can experience when we consciously choose to surrender to it.

And yet, none of us can deny how scary being alone can be and how many people can spend their entire lives avoiding it.

Before diving more deeply into this topic, real quick, I want to clarify something so that I’m not understand.

We are a social species. We need affection. We need community. We need each other. There is nothing gross, ugly or unattractive about needing love. That’s the nature of being human!

This text is not a conversation about glorifying independence or saying that all should spend most of their time alone. This is about healing our relationship with ourselves on a deep level so that we can learn to truly enjoy each other’s company.

So, that we can have better relationships!

To be scared of being alone is essentially the fear of self and of what we could potentially find in that aloneness.

See, most of us like to lean on the idea of being a “good" person. We like to look at our strengths, our talents, our intelligence, our generosity — all the things that make us “worthy” and admirable — but we’re scared and are often unwilling to look at the parts of ourselves we consider unattractive. 

We don’t like looking at our flaws or mistakes. We don’t like feeling our pain. We don’t like exploring our fears. And we don’t like looking at the parts of ourselves that might feel empty and unlovable.

Essentially, we don’t know how to integrate our darkness with our light so we try to deny that the darkness’ exists (unconsciously). We think that if we face it and look at it that we might discover that there is something wrong with us and that we are unlovable.

So in the process of sustaining our preferred perception of who we are (our illusion of safety) and in order to avoid feeling painful emotions we don’t know how to handle, we try to cover up all the things we don’t like in ourselves. We try to hide from them by moving our attention elsewhere.

Solitude requires that we get to know ourselves on a deep level. It requires that we be willing to look at the totality of who we are not just the parts we like, are proud of, and want to show the world.

I believe that this is why so many people are in an unconscious state of running-away-from-themselves, filling their lives with activities, work, entertainment, events, relationships and anything else that can distract them from simply being in their own presence.

Facing themselves feels dangerous…

But, what happens when our only source of love comes from others? What happens when we become addicted to filling our lives with distractions because we don’t know how to be with ourselves?

One of the most serious consequences of being uncomfortable with solitude is that often it will lead us to accept love relationships and friendships that deep down we know aren’t aligned with who we truly are.

That don’t make us happy, and that many times are unhealthy and are built on a foundation of co-dependency.

We can see how glaringly true this is in the fact that there are many people who prefer to stay with someone they don’t get along with, who doesn’t respect them, and who verbally abuses them over being alone!

Of course not everyone experiences situations as extreme as this but we can all relate to the thought process, the unconscious defense mechanism, and the feeling within the person who chooses mistreatment over solitude.

This is a natural mechanism of reality where things are always in a movement toward greater harmony. So, when we are having a conversation with someone on subtle energetic levels we are exchanging information.

That means that if we are constantly around people (or in relationship where we are always with our partner) then a lot of our energy will be impregnated with other people’s emotions, thoughts, perceptions, beliefs. We will not actually have clarity about what our emotions are, what our perceptions are, taking on aspects of other people’s personalities without even realizing it.

When we are alone we cleanse this energy. We cleanse ourselves of others so as to return to our truth.

We need this sacred time alone to allow stillness to remove all that is not ours so that we can have a clear channel of communication with our soul.

Note: People that have been on a spiritual path for some time (authentically) learn to cleanse their energy of other people’s consciousnesses quite quickly and easily but it comes from the deep intimacy they have cultivated with their authentic truth. The time they have spent getting to know themselves, often through times in solitude and meditation.

This is very clearly illustrated when a couple spends all their time together and over time their personalities start to fuse. They start liking the same music, the same activities, having the same friends, even dressing alike (often unconsciously). Some say that they even start looking like each other.

Beyond what they are sharing with their words, they are actually exchanging energy on levels they are not able to see and nature’s quest for harmony starts to blend their consciousnesses together.

Many people, completely unconsciously, then lose their own individuality in relationship because it becomes very difficult to differentiate between self and the other. They take on personality traits and desire that are not authentically their own. Years later this can become a feeling of having “lost themselves” and resentment.

They did not take the time to be with themselves, to cleanse themselves of the other person’s consciousness and the disconnection from their own truth will always inevitably lead them to a feeling of emptiness.

If we are always being influenced by other people’s thoughts, opinions, perspectives, and beliefs then it can be very difficult to find our purpose, passion, and path in life.

After spending time with others, it is essential to take our time to cleanse and come back to self.

This applies on all levels. Financially, mentally, emotionally etc.

For some people, one of the scariest feelings to face is that of feeling alone in a big, uncertain world where to survive you have to be emotionally strong, make money, and pay bills.

The responsibility of just having to pay the bills for some is overwhelming. For others the uncertain nature of life is enough to cause deep anxiety.

Because of this many people who do not feel capable of supporting themselves financially or emotionally very often feel very uncomfortable with their solitude. It’s extremely confronting.

The weight of the responsibility on their own is too much to bear and they need the presence of a family member, a friend, and a partner to feel safe.

(I’m not talking about when you’re having a difficult moment and you ask for support. I’m talking about people that are constantly avoiding being alone because of this.)

The truth is though that inevitably there will always be moments and situations where we have to face our solitude. There are certain difficult times where we can’t escape that we are the only one that can figure it out and fix it.

One of the scariest most glaringly obvious truths we will ever have to face is that fact that in the deepest sense we are alone.

We are born alone and we die alone.

We experience our entire life through the lens of our individual senses and perception never truly being able to fully transmit to another what we are experiencing.

If we look at it from this perspective we are all always alone.

How many times have you been surrounded by people and yet you feel alone?

How many times have you been moving through a painful process with someone by your side trying to support you, and yet, you realize there is nothing the person can do because you are alone in your experience?

Truly, on this level, to not know how to be with our solitude is to not know how to be with life. It is to be in denial of the nature of our existence. To be facing an invincible opponent. To be in a constant state of rejection of reality.

We all know the truth, though. It’s staring us right in the face. Any denial of truth will always lead to disharmony, anxiety, frustration, and sadness.

Acceptance will free us and make us strong.

We have such an unhealthy relationship with solitude, but the truth is that so much of what we’re looking for is found in it.

The feeling of safety. The feeling of being enough. The feeling of inner tranquility.

When we learn to feel comfortable with our solitude becoming deeply familiar with ourselves we learn to relate with others in a completely new way.

We learn to say no to the people and circumstances that we know aren’t aligned with us.

We can more easily let go of relationships that are not serving us.

We become more satisfied with less because we learn to find beauty in the simplicity of being in our presence.

We experience less anxiety because we feel safer in life.

We become stronger and more equipped to face life’s difficulties because we come to feel reassured by own own presence. We develop trust with ourselves and know we are capable of holding space for ourselves.

Our energy becomes lighter because we are able to stand in our truth and cleanse ourselves of other people’s energy.

And the most magical thing about it is that from this space of connection and security with ourselves we are able to tune into our power.

Learning to be alone is one of the most healing decisions you can ever make. It allows you to free yourself of inauthentic and/or unhealthy relationships, anxiety, and insecurity.

And beyond that, it allows us to tap into greater satisfaction and wholeness learning to fill our desire for love with our own presence.

How comfortable are you being alone?

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